a good episode of family guy

day 28...

Today was one of the saddest days I have ever had to endure.
It was mothers day, and the first one, ever, that I was not with my mom.
what makes it worse is the whole ritual of it, my sister and I used to do such nice things for her. And it sadens me that I was not able to be with my sister and plan, or be with my sister to enable my moms daughter duo to be complete. Honestly it made me incredibly sad.
But the up side is, I now realise even more than before, how important my mom is to me. and how much I do need her.

Today I spent time in the studio, finishing up some drawings. I did not enjoy it. Then I went to the library and attempted a start to my art history essay. My big plan is to finish it by tomorrow. I was only able to write 4oo words in the space of 3 hours.... so if my maths is up to standard, that could mean, ag I dunno. But its gonna take a while Im sure...
Im incredibly tired and a bit out of control.
This week needs to finish before I collapse. I am declaring this week as one of the most difficult weeks I will ever have to endure in my first year of university...

my mom asked me the other day, What do you feel in control of?
I could not answer

So yes, lately I have been out of control, fragmented, depressed and slightly lost. I have not been able to concentrate on anything, achieve anything, or get through work without doubts or less belief in why I am here. But then, as usual, a great sign was handed in my direction... this morning while in tears beccause of the overwhelming emotional exhaustion, I sent a beautiful mms to my mom, and then decided to watch a random episode of Family Guy before I contemplated the day. and to my surprize and total need, there it was, this episode, Peter  was trying to find his real dad to prove he was not an illegal immigrant and his real dad was actually Irish. Therefore he set off to Ireland to find him. and most of the episode is based there. After the most beautiful thing I have watched in quite a while, I had breakfast and went to the shops, my mom called and reconfirmed my belief. and my knowledge that I keep forgetting, that everything is wriiten...
It was an absolutly beautiful day, sun was shining with a good wind, the church bells were chiming and everything started to feel right for once. Probably the first time it has felt this way since I have been back.

well, would love to write more but my brain and heart and soul have fallen asleep.
this week is going to take the strongest part me to cope with...
Good night sweet world
bless you all, especially the moms.

believe in your knowledge*
~star