a bit of a rush

The whole boy girl thing, or girl girl thing, or even boy boy thing, the single thing, the cheating thing, the play thing, Ah well you know, just the whole relationship thing in general. Wont lie, been through it all, no not really, not the girl girl thing, its not how I roll. But all the other things, I’ve done it, I’ve been dragged through it, thrown into it, subconsciously resisted it, consciously braved it…. Ya well I’ve done it, kissed it, lost myself in it, found myself eventually, given a lot, feared a lot, lost some fear, gained it all back. I’ve been with the stranger, the jock, the rich guy, the poor guy, the player, the clinger, the romantic, the spontaneous, the cheater, the one (or many) that fell in love, the holiday fling, the phone relationship, the sporty guy, the nerdy guy, the uber intelligent yet sweet guy, even the all-rounder. The blond, the brunette, the blue eyed, the brown eyed, the green eyed. The tall, the short, the chubby, the skinny, the six pack, the nice hands, the perfect eyebrows, the friendly, the rude, even the English, Afrikaans, there could have been an Italian in there somewhere, British. Well, ya, I’ve been there. And I too have been the cheater, have been the romantic, have been the one in tears, have broken hearts, have made them fall in love, have said the 3 perfect words(and never meant them most the time) have been the blue eyed brunette girl, artistic, sweet, genuine and uhhhh girlfriend and kiss material… Ya Its all happened… I’ve been there, and have gone through what I now call Disastrous trial and error episodes.


But now, Id like to say I’m all grown up, I've developed and jumped from lame high school teenage crap, to real things, real emotions that I now realise are actually really real, are actually living and are actually harder than anything just to feel…

What does a person do when they are left with excruciating pain being caused by the whole boy girl thing… What do I do, when all the past jumps I’ve made, all the past high school crap has cracked me a tiny bit, and has left me with an acidic taste of a hectic disease and arthritis…

When I was young, and I mean like tiny, with no knowledge of all of this… I would sit for hours planning my husband and my boyfriend, and how romance would be and how I would only kiss one boy and that boy would be my boyfriend and then Id marry him because we loved each other and then we would pray to god and then god would put a baby in my stomach and then id have it and wed look after it till it grew and then wed be happy… you know that whole thing when you are young and everything you say is real and all the wishes you made upon stars would come true, because you made the same wish on wishing chips, wishing bones, throwing a coin in the fountain, eyelashes, dandelions, rainbows …. Well why cant innocence still be heavily ridden in me? Why is it that I get so caught up? And so much so, that every boy that tries to be my wish upon a rainbow I quite prominently demur…

It is as if every single feeling of, well, feelings I could have are not visible from with inside of me… I feel repulsed at the thought of a relationship or of someone caring that much… I feel fear that I could not possibly feel that way, not even an inch, back. I feel fractured. I like the feeling of knowing nothing has to come of it… I like knowing that I can live each day not worrying about a male figure bombarding me with his thoughts, actions, and wants of mine… I like freedom, I like knowing myself, and I like knowing that no one knows me like I do, I like not having to know someone too personally I like being on my own, I like finding out about all sorts of others, but I like being on my own while doing so. BUT,
here’s where it gets complicated… Yes more so than it already is….

I don’t remember, quite honestly, the last time I felt something for someone, like really something for the male figure… I mean, that whole real feeling that I get from my passions… that real, catch my breath sort of feeling… well I do… but by this time you should know who I’m talking about(the no named figure that I have written about previously) ya, the one that made me cry just from his illuminating presence…. That one. That was the last time, and maybe, the first? Ya, I rate the first since my whole high school lame teenage crap. (Although it probably didn’t even happen there)
He gave me the feeling that art does to my soul, he stood and my mind bursted with neon.
But I guess I need to erase his permanentmarkered face…

So, yes, the complicated shit, what am I supposed to do when feelings do not surpass me. What am I supposed to do when all I really want is what I feel.

what do I do when a male figure literally lays down a golden path for me and offers me all he can give. What if he tells me the truth and shows me who he really is just to win me over. What if his mind is a poem, what if he wants me, and will wait for eternity… What then?

What if a male figure wants to cuddle with me, wants to buy me things, and wants to teach me things that I could possibly be interested in. What if he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and believes I could change him. What if his whole life revolves around me? What then?

What if a male figure with such an intrepid mind wants to teach me about all his age has taught him, wants to shine a red light on his stories his drawings, his silence yet overwhelming kindness. What if he believes I’m the only one that can understand him? What then?

What if a male figure just likes the way I look thinks I’m fun and incredibly attractive. Wants to hold my hand and party with me and show me off to all his friends. What if he enjoys the fact that we have things in common? What if he picks me over all the other girls that want him? What then?

What if a male figure is not interested in me but I rate he could take away the feeling I have for the male figure that so cruelly inhabits my brain. What if I cant get through to him and all we can ever be is class mates that never actually speak. What then?

What if I've tried to be friends with every single boy that I've listed (and 2 others) but it has proven impossible as my theory still runs true of *there’s no such thing as ‘just friends’*

What do I do….

How do I handle this whole boy girl thing. How do I allow my body to react naturally, although this could be natural for me, and all I really should do is allow it… Allow what happens to flow….

then again how do I know?

what are all these feelings?
And how do I get rid of such perfection to allow for new perseverance onto me…

Why do I question it?

does it really bother me this much?

How do you not hurt someone?

How do I hide from the hurt?

How do I find the answers to all of these detrimental questions!!!!

Why do I care so much?

how do I know….