an adventure

I bought bus tickets to go home a while back, I didn't tell my family about it, no one knew.

I wanted it to be a surprise, I wanted to do something 'grown up' and brave. And that's exactly what I did.

There was definitely no way I was going to stay in Grahamstown this entire time!

the space between buying the ticket and the actual departure was terribly long, I tried studying, watched a couple of movies and really just took time to reflect. the day to leave couldn't have come sooner,
So I packed a bag, filled with books and clothes, but the fish under the bed, turned of the lights, closed the curtains, threw on my Rhodes hoodie, caught a lift with a friend up to Kimberley hall, sat in the rain and mist, and waited.... I was so excited to see my family... just a day before my sister smsed me telling me how much she wishes I was there:)
So the plans ran through my head on how I'm going to surprise everyone, what exactly do I do when the bus actually drops me in PE?
ya, I was nervous! I have never done anything like it!

anyway, my mom called while I was waiting, and I couldn't hold it in, so I told her! she was ecstatic, and quite greatly there was no need for me to worry about what to do when I got there...

My bus was an hour and a half late.
I was so happy to be in my moms arms again
I cried when I saw my sister
I loved my dads surprised face

late night rantings

everywhere we drove today I saw South African flags, I take it that everyone is getting super hyped about this world cup thing, well at least trying to be.
Its so nice, like everyone has this in common at the moment. Right now nothing else seems to matter, even though the roads aren't complete, the transport is a disaster and crime is at an all time peak, there is some sort of vibe in the air, that when I see the SA flag waving from a persons car, i become oblivious to all these petty 'worries'.
It just seems so COOL that this country is hosting such a major event, and no matter what the outcome is, or how much negativity goes down, or even if the tourists are absolutely shocked at the state of this place, it makes me sort of happy to know that people are positive, that there is some hope for the country with the amount of support the regular person is showing.... I smile when I see the flag.
I smile when I hear the adverts and the excitement on the radio.
I smile when I see people wearing those awful yellow tops.
I smile because, well,  I don't know a thing about soccer, I don't think I like soccer, but I love how everyone loves this country, I smile because somewhere there is some belief in it.

hahaha goodness.... well I'm not in Gtown atm, I'm at home, have been for 6 days... I'm going back on Saturday. its a long story of how I came to be here, but is a story for another day.but as for now, in my semi asleep state, I would like to mention how much I love home, I love being here but I don't dread going back to Gtown, I don't dread having to sleep in that room, I don't and mainly because I do like it there, I don't hate it, I like how my life has lead me there, I pretty much love it there.... its all meant to be. But I have to admit, It makes it SO much easier knowing that my family, is just 1.5 hours away....

anyway I will fill you in with my adventure when I get back...

as for now, I'm exhausted, my mind is racing with things i cant possibly put into words, as hard as I have tried.. it all these pictures and ideas and longings.... ahhh killer

xx
xx
xx
star~*~

i could be anywhere

An Overwhelming feeling of content has suffocated my body today.

The beauty of this place is sometimes a little hard to take in, but when I eventually do, it is more than what is able to be expressed through my words, or maybe any one's words...

So, everything is pretty much done and I am in a good place.

Although missing home like to a sickening extent, I still am able to feel good, feel confident in where I am.

Yes, so art prac examination is complete, the 1st semester of my 1st year is complete, my classics assignment is complete, I still need to tackle my art history and classical civilisation exams, but I have plenty of time to study, and to learn how to...

The art prac exam was pretty hectic, well all the work Ive done for the semester had to have been put up, and then the art lecturers checked it, marked it, judged it, gave me a crit and that was it. and from that I now know where I stand with my art, here's what I know

1. I need to spend more time on things

2. I need to draw more and loosen up

3. I need to practise perspective

4. I need to buy a book on perspective

5. I can paint

6. I hate photography "I don't know about "truths." A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells, the less you know. " - Penelope Stamp, the brothers Bloom

7. my ideas are vague

8. the 'judges' are proud of my progress

sorry for saying I hate photography, I mean I like it, but I really really do not like doing it, I dont get the concept. really dont like it.

anyway, I must go, will write morrow. going to go watch a movie with Lucy and Megan..

then I plan on having a very well-deserved long sleep. chat morrow...

"This was a story about a girl who could find infinite beauty in anything, any little thing, and even love the person she was trapped with. And i told myself this story until it became true. Now, did doing this help me escape a wasted life? Or did it blind me so I didn't want to escape it? I don't know, but either way I was the one telling my own story... " - Penelope Stamp, The Brothers Bloom

go away

i still remember

I, I still remember

How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted
And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water
I still remember

being haunted by a song
this song by bloc party seriously haunts me to the bone.


im haunted by your  face,
your smile...
the smile for me.
and, Im left with an everlasting thought...

I love my sister

• A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. ~Toni
• Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli
• When mom and dad don't understand, a sister always will. ~Author Unknown
• The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend. ~Cali Rae Turner
• An older sister helps one remain half child, half woman. ~Author Unknown
• An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too. ~Pam Brown
• There is no better friend than a sister. And there is no better sister than you. ~Author Unknown
• A sister shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. ~Author Unknown
• Sisters don't need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling. ~Pam Brown
• Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer. ~Louise Glück

a good episode of family guy

day 28...

Today was one of the saddest days I have ever had to endure.
It was mothers day, and the first one, ever, that I was not with my mom.
what makes it worse is the whole ritual of it, my sister and I used to do such nice things for her. And it sadens me that I was not able to be with my sister and plan, or be with my sister to enable my moms daughter duo to be complete. Honestly it made me incredibly sad.
But the up side is, I now realise even more than before, how important my mom is to me. and how much I do need her.

Today I spent time in the studio, finishing up some drawings. I did not enjoy it. Then I went to the library and attempted a start to my art history essay. My big plan is to finish it by tomorrow. I was only able to write 4oo words in the space of 3 hours.... so if my maths is up to standard, that could mean, ag I dunno. But its gonna take a while Im sure...
Im incredibly tired and a bit out of control.
This week needs to finish before I collapse. I am declaring this week as one of the most difficult weeks I will ever have to endure in my first year of university...

my mom asked me the other day, What do you feel in control of?
I could not answer

So yes, lately I have been out of control, fragmented, depressed and slightly lost. I have not been able to concentrate on anything, achieve anything, or get through work without doubts or less belief in why I am here. But then, as usual, a great sign was handed in my direction... this morning while in tears beccause of the overwhelming emotional exhaustion, I sent a beautiful mms to my mom, and then decided to watch a random episode of Family Guy before I contemplated the day. and to my surprize and total need, there it was, this episode, Peter  was trying to find his real dad to prove he was not an illegal immigrant and his real dad was actually Irish. Therefore he set off to Ireland to find him. and most of the episode is based there. After the most beautiful thing I have watched in quite a while, I had breakfast and went to the shops, my mom called and reconfirmed my belief. and my knowledge that I keep forgetting, that everything is wriiten...
It was an absolutly beautiful day, sun was shining with a good wind, the church bells were chiming and everything started to feel right for once. Probably the first time it has felt this way since I have been back.

well, would love to write more but my brain and heart and soul have fallen asleep.
this week is going to take the strongest part me to cope with...
Good night sweet world
bless you all, especially the moms.

believe in your knowledge*
~star

~back in the atmosphere~

Dear mommy

My eighteen years of pure and full life has been marked upon my skin
the skin that is yours  and leaves marks of crocodiles on my hands...
All that I know, I know through your eyes
As my blue finds light in the green of yours.

All I feel, I feel through your heart
The one that has showed nothing but love
the heart so full of your daughters' tears, fears, joy, laughter and faces.

You have taught me to grow
I have grown in your path
as our similarities are far defined with the same way we eat our baguettes.

mommy it was you who showed me the 'way'
it was you who taught me who to be

and all I can hope for is to be
half the mother you were to me
To love like you have loved me
To inspire like you have inspired me
To believe like you believe in me

I thank you for being the one who's DNA is so entangled throughout my mind body and soul

where would I be if it werent for your encouraging warmth, hugs, kisses
and nest

I love you mommy

Love Aimee

I am one with the furniture...

DAY 22...




Wow, quite a terrible day...

I came back yesterday afternoon from my weekend at home. I honestly was dreading coming back to this place, although I’m supposed to be here to get n education, I cant help but to think of all the things I’m missing out on, especially just being with my family. I am an extremely individual person who seriously does not mind being alone, at times. But the one thing I do wish and do crave is being with my family. There is a sense of hope I find with them that I can not find anywhere else. That sense of hope that I know I need, I know is vital to my sense of being and my growth.
I get that whole thing that a person needs to be by themselves to allow space and maturity to exceed within, but seriously, I don’t know, I think a day on my own is far more than enough.
You know how people can confide in friends or partners or you know whoever, well I don’t have that, all I have is my family, all I have is my sister. I guess that is what Klaus and Fritz are for, but let’s be serious here, they speak Fish German! And don’t get me wrong, I have met some amazing people, but it’s not the same, in some weird way, I need my sister like others need sleep in order to survive. I need that freedom I can only find in my home.

This res way of life can seriously get to my head, and it is!
for instance, this evening Prof Baart is having a talk on galaxies, and guess who can not attend... exactly. And do you know why? Well Olive Schriener has decided to have a compulsory house meeting, and no I can not get out of it, because I have asked too late. This sort of thing makes me extremely angry. And I’m losing out here.

ahhhhh I wont speak too much about my res life as yet.

So today I got up early, as usual. Cleaned my room and headed out to town to deposit my money, hectic queue, like so long, so headed back, read my book, oh im reading Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned by Wells Tower, which is a collection of short stories. Anyway, so I read, then went to classics, enjoyed it, as we are learning about sculpture. Then went straight to art, which I dreaded! and for good reason, we were having our photography crit.
the crit took forever and I had to come back in the afternoon for mine. So I went back to res, and read...
then went back to the crit, Brent told me he liked it but I need to change a lot because hes seen it all before.
eish

anyway, then I went back to the bank, and to my surprize the queue was even longer, but I decided I'd wait in it... Then people started screaming at me and pushing me and it became too chaotic, I left. while walking back, i was harassed by a street kid, who thought that air kissing me was the way forward. He then called me a "slut" and swore under his breath...
In my state, i resorted to fudge and caramel icecream at Dulce's and it truely made all alright.
I got back in time for supper and was able to share a great laugh with the girls.

I am going out tonight.

Before I leave,
I am still upset that I couldnt go to that lecture
I dislike photography to the core
I have 8 days to get ready and finish stuff up for my art prac exam.
I have a month till my classics and art history exams.
I plan to go home during this massive time gap
I love marmite
I miss the one person that felt like home for me here.... he knows who he is.
Snowbelle is the most amazing cat
you better check out the new annoying orange episode (the wasaaabi one)
I have so much work and I feel that tomorrow all will be organised....


chat soonest

stay warm and stay good
star*

*distant dark places

Its all in the eyes