nicholas sparks

I blame Nicholas Sparks for all the sadness in the world. The bestselling American novelist has written numerous amount of dramatic romantic novels, with the main themes including faith, love tragedy and fate, Books that have been adapted to movies (reason why I'm writing all of this) include, Message in bottle, A walk to remember, the notebook, nights in Rodanthe, dear john  and the last song. And one other book is the choice. Now I'm by no means a book critic, and am not her to say he’s a lousy writer, Ive hung on the words of every page of all his books, and they always trigger an emotional bullet through my brain leaving me in tears, but this sort of emotion is so real and so sad, it’s the sort of reality that is so true so daunting and scary, yet makes a person feel alive and I kinda feel that that feeling, of life, of actual living and intense experience without thought is what we or should I say I am actually craving. And that is why the sadness comes, people aren’t living… it’s this constant thought, a constant reminder, but life, the now just flashes….

Right right, so i have not updated the blog for a numerous amount of months, and being  it the last day of the year, last day of 2010 I find it only appropriate to sit back and take some time to reflect, and write a bit… I'm pretty sick, weak and tired at the moment so do excuse my already bad grammar and lack of inspiration in this post, I plan to just write… OK, so let me begin….

Dam this is harder than I thought, 4 months of no posts can really catch up to a person… right so it is the end of 2010… and I  can gladly say it has been an eventful year, a year completely mine, a dream :)

• I passed my first year of university, really well. 
• held whole year of art exhibition ( not proud)
• made the most amazing friends
• forgot about my past, like seriously, I don’t remember.
• opened myself up to new music, I have now added to my favourite list (under sp) 3Oh!3, Bloc Party, Sufjan Stevens :) 
• watched my sister transform, amazingness
• became part of the house comm of my res (resent and environmental rep)
• made vice chair person of Astrosoc
• gained masses of weight
• still trying to lose
• became reassured of my dreams
• fell more in love with Grahamstown
• tried my best to get over the homesickness
• I swam in the sea
• I got a tan
• I began to appreciate the world around me much more 
• Turned 19!
• Loved South Africa
• worked and got paid for it (yeah a job)
• Found belief
• Fell in love, yes, real love :)
• And most importantly Ive learned how to live, how to really live in the midst of my reality…

My friends

then there was you...

I'm back at home after a 7 or something week term...
Best term actually.
Amazing term to be more precise.

quick update of my life...
received my first A+ in university
received my first "this is the worst mark"
Have the most amazing friends
Forgot how to miss home
fell a bit in love with the feeling of clay
fell even more in love with the feeling of not doing anything else but painting eventually...
had my work that I did for the 10 day holiday project put up for the student exhibition
enjoyed lectures
participated in university social life to the max
got voted 'vice president' of Astrosoc :)
had the best time with the best boy you could imagine

Ive grown so much in this short space of time, not into someone new or different or better, but rather into more of me... More belief in me and what I'm doing. I love it. 

If you must know, the above work for the ten day project was based on my goldfish, Klaus and Fritz that both died from fin rot... and who I have mentioned before. 

Anyway, I am back home and Im loving being with my sister, such an inspiration that girl... active to the full, scuba diving, ballroom, lifesaving, paddling, gym, toastmasters, interact, gosh i cant even remember it all, but it's amazing... I'm so proud of her. In a way I feel guilty that I was never like that, never participated in much, I mean i was part of the newspaper and I was a prefect and other small things... but never active, full of life. I'm not complaining, I would've been if I felt thats what i needed to do, or if thats what i wanted to do, but it wasn't, my true calling is where I am today. And I  know that throughout my body and soul. isn't that what truly matters? I mean, I'm completely happy with my life, and what I do is who I am, and all I ever wanted, I wouldn't change a thing... It's too close to perfect<3 ... 

So I found out a girl from my past, a best friend at one stage has had a baby, this has put a whole new feeling to my life, like I cant believe it, shocking yes... but more than that, it scares me how like we are in the same age category, I understand many people have children around this time, 18, 19, 20 Ive heard it seen it before and whatever, but now that I can actually relate to it, put myself in that position, it's totally crazy. I'm trying so hard to not let it effect me, we all have different purposes in this life, but whilst my biggest stress is to write a good essay and reference properly, hers is to raise a child.... On th same note, another girl also a good friend in the past has just announced her engagement... 

I don't feel mature enough to do my own washing at this stage of my life, let alone think about marriage and children. 

I guess it's all relevant for the individual. I guess it just makes me think. And the thought is absolutely terrifying and extremely sickening.... 

so there's this boy... a boyfriend in fact, in my life... 

not only in my life but in my head most of the time....

he's pretty amazing,,,

I'm amazed by him...

never felt this way... 

 :-) 

wow.

moving on before I get into too much detail about the above incredibleness... 

In this short holiday I will be getting my eyes retested, doing the usual beauty regime, eating amazing food, including things from the German bakery and cute coffee shops that Ive never been to, I will be spending as much time as possible with Milly and helping her out with school stuff, (iv already watched her dance) I will be    learning how to drive again although this might not happen, as I tried yesterday and reversed drove about 7 metres stalled and got out shaking... Hmmm, I will be seeing the amazing guy, I will be writing an essay for classics... I will be jogging a bit... cutting my hair maybe, and organising my passport... 

I know it's not very interesting to read about my plans but this is all I can really say at the moment.... 

Before I do go, I watched Inception, yes the movie that is changing cinema as we know it, and it was amazing, exceeded expectations. As Gary Lightbody says, 

"This movie is nothing short of a miracle. A blockbuster that delivers as much punch, explosions and gunfire than any trigger happy nonsense fest as any this summer has to offer but also, oh also, also, also, also it gives you so much more! It is a mind bending, nerve shredding, intelligent and heartbreaking love story that if put all in all could change the face of cinema for years to come. "

ok, I think I'm done, but lastly, way lastly, I'm going to leave you with the Parlotones new music video for their song 'stars fall down' kinda brings me to tears, it feels like my brain... 

*laugh, talk, tickle and taste until the stars fall down

.s.t.a.r.

share your knowledge

 DR Randy Pausch was an American professor of computer science and human-computer interaction and design at Carnegie Mellon University he died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book The Last Lecture before then.. It was one of the bestsellers in 2007. He left behind a legacy, and I cant help but to share some of the "points on how to improve your life" here. I am not one for self-help books or articles on such things. But this story of Dr Pausch is so beautiful. I love how the points are realistic, to the point and simplistically beautiful.

Personality:  

1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't over do; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake  
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
       Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:  

15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:  

22. Put god first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. god heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank god for it
30. If you know god you will always be happy. So, be happy. 

I won't be doing this often(posting stuff like this) I will get back to my life eventually, but it's quite a difficult task when it's so real that words are not enough.

I'm about to finish my Art History Essay.

Im going home this weekend.

It's inter varsity.

I'm drawing people climbing paper.
I was told that my work is "a perfect combination of representation and accuracy."

I'm doing a clay head, a self portrait. 

I love the feeling of the clay.

till soon,
may the moon rest on your lashes
*

skip skip heart attack... red wine down my shirt

* now it's up to the stars or the ocean, lets not retrace our steps to the car... *

Sometimes, you just get over it. Life is scary, and I do live in a fair bit of fear.
Sometimes though, it's just better to stop. It's better to dive back down in your 'world' that is yours and just be...
Sometimes people try and step into your world, but sometimes it's just better that you keep that world safe from any intruders... anyone that can't accept the beauty and sacredness of the place...
Sometimes it's the best thing to do.
Most of the time this world is the safest place I can find.

I'm over leaving it. I'm over letting people walk inside, and most of all I'm disappointed in everyone that could never recognise the mystery, could never recognise the talent, could never recognise the beauty, could never accept the time difference and rather crashed into it, claiming total understanding.
It cant work. not so fast.

Maybe somewhere else will not be half as cold as me...

I was blinded by the lights, I saw reflected in your eyes...

Barefoot on the wine soaked ground
The same songs, the same old sounds
Each one a perfect fit
this hit heralds a perfect hit

Shaken to the pounding drums
I won't wait till the kingdom comes
'Cause I finally understand
As your hand defines my hand

Just can't express how beautiful these lyrics are... They come from Tired Pony's song 'I finally love this town'
Now Tired Pony is Mr Lightbody's side project away from Snow Patrol, it's hectic because the members include Gary Lightbody, Richard Colburn, Iain Archer, Jacknife Lee, Peter Buck, Scott McCaughey and even includes contributions from people like Zoey Deschanel, M Ward and Tom Smith. Now if you don't recognise any of these names, I recommend you google them to understand the importance of this group. It has a hint of country, mainly because of lightbody's complete love for that genre. I also read somewhere that it has been his life long aspiration to have a country album... anyway, as usual, the lyrics to the songs that I have heard, are amazing.... soul turning. They released the album in July, but I doubt SA will get it, will order it though.
another one of his many side projects is Listen... Tanks! also amazing... everything that man touches turns to perfection... Anyway, this project will only be completed once Tired Pony has taken off, but so far the one song, 'Black and Silver' is taking over my brain... I cant help but to be part of Lighbody and his destructive personality when he describes the sound of this music as, "Russian submarine music". 




Do yourself a favour, and just listen. (don't mind the references to Snow Patrol in the video, you must remember these are two separate entities. Lame person who did it!)


 Will write again soon, I have such a hectic day ahead of me... need to find that strong part of me that I seem to have lost, or simply forgotten about. 

S*t*a*r

Life Happens

W: I will always have feelings for her, but the feelings I have for you are still the same
A: But I'm always going to be thinking of you and her. Like I feel like I'm just here till you are together again. Or how you are constantly comparing me to her...
W: That's hurtful :(
....    But don't you subconsciously compare me to all the past boys?
A: silence, didn't reply. (went offline)
what A was thinking.... : no, there's no comparison...

kinda real

*: whats going on in that lil brain of yours?
w: when I get one, I'll let you know...


C: What does Aimee mean to you?
w: I don't know, I've never looked it up...

w: you're like a book in a foreign language...

He's something else. He's a complete light.

*

and he makes you happy

sometimes I think too much, and then I think of you...

I don't have much to say, really don't, well all that I want to say is kinda blocked up in my intrepid mind.
so Ill keep it simple.

Love being back
Love my friends
Love my room
Love my lectures

Miss my sister, shes going to a matric dance in joburg on Friday. I'm really excited for her, it should be nice. Shes going to look beautiful, mainly because shes the most beautiful girl in the world, no denying it, she really is.

Camilla-Rose <3

anyway, it was my dads birthday yesterday, the most dedicated man I know. He had a lovely breakfast with a whole lot of friends at the beach hotel in PE. I should have been there.

My art project is going no where slowly, we doing printing now and I seriously cant wait for it to be over, ready to move on to sculpture.

Id also like to get back to writing stuff on this thing, like proper stuff, the stuff Ive been intending to write since I became a blogspot blogger.

Tonight's astrosoc, Ill go if the weather is clear, the past few nights the sky has been absolutely breathtaking. black with the simplest forms of hope shining.

Before I go, and leave you with this terribly boring, and if I may say so myself, quite lame update, Id just like to say that if you are reading this blog, and you are not a follower, I suggest you become one, it will add greater success to my blog, and ll be inspired to write more. Also, a friend of mine, who is also part of astrosoc has started his blog, you should check it out here, stuartgrangerblogpsot.com it pretty cool, hes in no means a humanities kid, quite sciency and computery, but he writes really well, quite impressive in fact.

Ill write again soon, off to classics
***

a roller and a palette knife

Soo what does it mean when you constantly thinking of someone and know that those thoughts are so beyond reality but yet you carry on believing it to be true....

Just sat down at a computer in the Jac labs, yip back in Grahamstown and already things are beginning to make a little bit more sense. The keyboard that I'm at has a silver star on it. No jokes, Ill take a picture...
<Okiii just got some real strange looks from the people next to me>
The goodbyes weren't as bad as usual. I was happy to come back. It's always the hardest thing to say goodbye to Milla, but I was fine.
My room feels good, pretty annoying though as I haven't been able to get my stuff out the box room as yet, so living in pretty much an empty den.

Um so I realized earlier that when I follow a blog it doesn't register as star-jade smith, sometimes it is Aimee or Aimz333 or Starg!rl, I blame this entirely on my lame internet ways and thinking I need every single email account known to the web. so note to my delightful followers, if I'm following you by any of the given names it is me, and if I'm following you twice its still me, just twice, and when I eventually figure out how to rectify everything to be back to star-jade smith then I will.

~*~

Ask Me How I Am

strangest thing in the world that the world cup is over... there was so much hype and excitement. the country seems dead. bleak.  PE is strange, all these real daily worldly things are back and life feels quite real. quite scary. Like its happening. 

Oh ya, Spain won.

I go back on Sunday, I'm really looking forward to it, back to the routine and the beauty and the education. Cam started school today. So weird that I'm out of that whole school thing, Truly is a weird vibe. no uniform, no school lunches, or back  packs filled with neatly covered books, no bitchy kids, no whining teachers, no tight outoftheface hairdos.... Its better this way, I love it now... I wouldn't go back to school for anything. 

a thousand times I think of your face, your beautiful touch and your calmness. your care like I'm the only one that was... we sat under a tree drinking red wine, we laughed until the tree fell. the leaves creating the perfect blanket  for  all our wants... but just like it does, the wind blew, all of it away, leaving us cold, the clouds moved on and above our ever-thinking heads, lay an ocean of stars. and as they started collapsing, we stood up and walked towards sirens. That was all 

winter

The 2010 soccer world cup is nearly over, the final 4 ended up being Paraguay, Netherlands, Spain and Germany. Spain and Netherlands are in the final 2, I don’t know who I support. Sometimes I just feel if I don’t know much about a certain thing I shouldn’t have any say at all. And as it stands I don’t know anything about soccer. The whole event has been exciting though.

My holiday is almost over as well. 10 days and Ill be back in that room of mine. I will also be needing to 

complete that haunting holiday project some time soon. Will try and start today.

a lil inspiration

So I fell in love with a photographer at fest, name is Ian Van Straaten, a professional guy who does celestrial earthscapes.
His work is an absolute inspiration. a quiet beauty.
His exhibition at fest was called "Karoo Nights" and was presented beautifully. I for one fell in love with one photo especially. It was being sold for R1000, the foreground was a helicopter landing spot amongst the depths of bushes and greenery, the far distance was a high way an a huge flash of light, which, when I asked him, was a truck with bright lights traveling. The sky was clear, black with thousands of stars lighting up the sacredness. to me this was the most beautiful thing I had seen for a very long time. I stood there feeling as if I was standing on that helicopter landing pad. feeling lifted by the stars...
I usually feel as if the night sky is falling on to me, covering me with all it's delights, but in this picture, I was there I was smaller than the stars, I was falling into them.

Under the Photograph stood this quote, "To be a star you must shine your own light and follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest."

I unfortunately did not have the money on me to buy this specific print, But I did take his card.

Sometimes you just love something so much, and it doesn't matter if you have it or not, it just makes a difference to your soul knowing it is there, knowing you can have it and knowing the impact and the inspiration of it's subtle presence.


you know
*

visit his short bio here (click for link)

signal fire

Caught in a bit of a rut

you know that feeling of no feelings... that feeling where all could be lost but you just don't know what it is you actually losing...
where the tiny bit of hope and belief you had in all you wish for is faded under a major amount of nothingness. all the stuff you don't know is all you really do...
you know that feeling of being caught up in a destructive web and the more it defines itself the more it captures you. and the more destruction takes place.
you know that feeling of being so desperate  for the strength you had second ago, but knowing you can never get it back because you let it go, you overlooked the preciousness of it.
you know how all you ever knew makes too much sense and you wish you didn't know anything at all. you know how those little glimpses of happiness that you have, are immediately stabbed, they a bit too blinding to hold on to...

that feeling, when you just about to fall into a deep sleep but you are awakened by almost choking on the huge lump of nervousness that has been formed in your throat.

“I knew all along. Dreams. They fall. They all fall. Know this now, you are my dream. I will always be a fool, your fool. I think its best. For you. Be someone for someone else. I will always be yours. Whatever you are in the mirror to yourself know that you are ten thousand times that for me. Whatever you think of your flaws just know that they mean nothing to me. You mirror perfection to me. A perfect pane of blemish free glass. You wont be far from my thoughts. Ever. That I swear to you. You are still my perfect girl. I know I will always have something for you. You will always have some of me. I haven’t felt anything like this before. And so be it that we wont be together. I do not expect your love. I will always have it for you though. For as long as I have a heart.”

you know that feeling when someone is about to save you from the web you've been entangled in for a very long time. or that feeling of not knowing who it is...
that feeling where you are caught between the knowledge and the passion...
that feeling of needing the knowledge but living for the passion.
you know, that feeling.
I love the passion

it's been too long

This is an absolute disaster. a whole month since my last post... maybe this whole blogging thing isn't for me...

I rate that when I'm back at uni it will be better, I mean I have been on holiday and was studying this whole time...

yes, so I'm on holiday now, I have about 18 days left... Its been nice, I mean in the beginning it was relaxing, we went to Jongensfontein, was freezing there but really nice. um relaxing has all Ive really been doing quite honestly, and I wish I had more to tell, but I truly don't. This, of coarse, I don't know whether its good or bad...
I have been reading committed the sequel to Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. As beautifully written as it is, I'm not married or getting married anytime soon so it's quite a difficulty to get through. Its not much of a story as it is a research project...

The exams were damn stressful, I know I only wrote 2, but I found it extremly diffucult, Im nit sure if it was the studying or the actual writing that was more difficult for me, but in the end I t was difficult. I got my results on the 18th. I PASSED, which, it seems to me is the main priority for a university student... But I do realise I will be needing to get better results eventually if I am to get a bursary or study overseas one day...
Yet, was proud of myself...

So um, now Im totally ready to go back to Rhodes. I have an art project to start and complete before I go back, and I have not started, I can't even think about it... But ya, I miss the smell and all of the trees and my bed that makes such a noise! I miss the lovely faces of the girls in my res and my desk and walking everywhere and going to classes and all those exciting student things... I miss it now.

We went through to Grahamstown twice for the National Arts Festival... so amazing, beautiful art and brilliant shows, as you know, if I was a better and cooler blogger I'd write a proper analysis and review on all of it, but Im not there yet, so maybe next year.
here's a quick vid of some street theatre



I love Grahamstown, one of the most magical places in the world.

anyway, Klaus, my fish died, he got fin-rot, I tried saving him but it was too late, now Fritz is alone, he was able to be healed in time. I really took this badly, I mean, I was extremly attached.....



~trees are the earth's endless effort to speak to the listening heaven *

an adventure

I bought bus tickets to go home a while back, I didn't tell my family about it, no one knew.

I wanted it to be a surprise, I wanted to do something 'grown up' and brave. And that's exactly what I did.

There was definitely no way I was going to stay in Grahamstown this entire time!

the space between buying the ticket and the actual departure was terribly long, I tried studying, watched a couple of movies and really just took time to reflect. the day to leave couldn't have come sooner,
So I packed a bag, filled with books and clothes, but the fish under the bed, turned of the lights, closed the curtains, threw on my Rhodes hoodie, caught a lift with a friend up to Kimberley hall, sat in the rain and mist, and waited.... I was so excited to see my family... just a day before my sister smsed me telling me how much she wishes I was there:)
So the plans ran through my head on how I'm going to surprise everyone, what exactly do I do when the bus actually drops me in PE?
ya, I was nervous! I have never done anything like it!

anyway, my mom called while I was waiting, and I couldn't hold it in, so I told her! she was ecstatic, and quite greatly there was no need for me to worry about what to do when I got there...

My bus was an hour and a half late.
I was so happy to be in my moms arms again
I cried when I saw my sister
I loved my dads surprised face

late night rantings

everywhere we drove today I saw South African flags, I take it that everyone is getting super hyped about this world cup thing, well at least trying to be.
Its so nice, like everyone has this in common at the moment. Right now nothing else seems to matter, even though the roads aren't complete, the transport is a disaster and crime is at an all time peak, there is some sort of vibe in the air, that when I see the SA flag waving from a persons car, i become oblivious to all these petty 'worries'.
It just seems so COOL that this country is hosting such a major event, and no matter what the outcome is, or how much negativity goes down, or even if the tourists are absolutely shocked at the state of this place, it makes me sort of happy to know that people are positive, that there is some hope for the country with the amount of support the regular person is showing.... I smile when I see the flag.
I smile when I hear the adverts and the excitement on the radio.
I smile when I see people wearing those awful yellow tops.
I smile because, well,  I don't know a thing about soccer, I don't think I like soccer, but I love how everyone loves this country, I smile because somewhere there is some belief in it.

hahaha goodness.... well I'm not in Gtown atm, I'm at home, have been for 6 days... I'm going back on Saturday. its a long story of how I came to be here, but is a story for another day.but as for now, in my semi asleep state, I would like to mention how much I love home, I love being here but I don't dread going back to Gtown, I don't dread having to sleep in that room, I don't and mainly because I do like it there, I don't hate it, I like how my life has lead me there, I pretty much love it there.... its all meant to be. But I have to admit, It makes it SO much easier knowing that my family, is just 1.5 hours away....

anyway I will fill you in with my adventure when I get back...

as for now, I'm exhausted, my mind is racing with things i cant possibly put into words, as hard as I have tried.. it all these pictures and ideas and longings.... ahhh killer

xx
xx
xx
star~*~

i could be anywhere

An Overwhelming feeling of content has suffocated my body today.

The beauty of this place is sometimes a little hard to take in, but when I eventually do, it is more than what is able to be expressed through my words, or maybe any one's words...

So, everything is pretty much done and I am in a good place.

Although missing home like to a sickening extent, I still am able to feel good, feel confident in where I am.

Yes, so art prac examination is complete, the 1st semester of my 1st year is complete, my classics assignment is complete, I still need to tackle my art history and classical civilisation exams, but I have plenty of time to study, and to learn how to...

The art prac exam was pretty hectic, well all the work Ive done for the semester had to have been put up, and then the art lecturers checked it, marked it, judged it, gave me a crit and that was it. and from that I now know where I stand with my art, here's what I know

1. I need to spend more time on things

2. I need to draw more and loosen up

3. I need to practise perspective

4. I need to buy a book on perspective

5. I can paint

6. I hate photography "I don't know about "truths." A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells, the less you know. " - Penelope Stamp, the brothers Bloom

7. my ideas are vague

8. the 'judges' are proud of my progress

sorry for saying I hate photography, I mean I like it, but I really really do not like doing it, I dont get the concept. really dont like it.

anyway, I must go, will write morrow. going to go watch a movie with Lucy and Megan..

then I plan on having a very well-deserved long sleep. chat morrow...

"This was a story about a girl who could find infinite beauty in anything, any little thing, and even love the person she was trapped with. And i told myself this story until it became true. Now, did doing this help me escape a wasted life? Or did it blind me so I didn't want to escape it? I don't know, but either way I was the one telling my own story... " - Penelope Stamp, The Brothers Bloom

go away

i still remember

I, I still remember

How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted
And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water
I still remember

being haunted by a song
this song by bloc party seriously haunts me to the bone.


im haunted by your  face,
your smile...
the smile for me.
and, Im left with an everlasting thought...

I love my sister

• A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. ~Toni
• Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli
• When mom and dad don't understand, a sister always will. ~Author Unknown
• The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend. ~Cali Rae Turner
• An older sister helps one remain half child, half woman. ~Author Unknown
• An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too. ~Pam Brown
• There is no better friend than a sister. And there is no better sister than you. ~Author Unknown
• A sister shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. ~Author Unknown
• Sisters don't need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling. ~Pam Brown
• Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer. ~Louise Glück

a good episode of family guy

day 28...

Today was one of the saddest days I have ever had to endure.
It was mothers day, and the first one, ever, that I was not with my mom.
what makes it worse is the whole ritual of it, my sister and I used to do such nice things for her. And it sadens me that I was not able to be with my sister and plan, or be with my sister to enable my moms daughter duo to be complete. Honestly it made me incredibly sad.
But the up side is, I now realise even more than before, how important my mom is to me. and how much I do need her.

Today I spent time in the studio, finishing up some drawings. I did not enjoy it. Then I went to the library and attempted a start to my art history essay. My big plan is to finish it by tomorrow. I was only able to write 4oo words in the space of 3 hours.... so if my maths is up to standard, that could mean, ag I dunno. But its gonna take a while Im sure...
Im incredibly tired and a bit out of control.
This week needs to finish before I collapse. I am declaring this week as one of the most difficult weeks I will ever have to endure in my first year of university...

my mom asked me the other day, What do you feel in control of?
I could not answer

So yes, lately I have been out of control, fragmented, depressed and slightly lost. I have not been able to concentrate on anything, achieve anything, or get through work without doubts or less belief in why I am here. But then, as usual, a great sign was handed in my direction... this morning while in tears beccause of the overwhelming emotional exhaustion, I sent a beautiful mms to my mom, and then decided to watch a random episode of Family Guy before I contemplated the day. and to my surprize and total need, there it was, this episode, Peter  was trying to find his real dad to prove he was not an illegal immigrant and his real dad was actually Irish. Therefore he set off to Ireland to find him. and most of the episode is based there. After the most beautiful thing I have watched in quite a while, I had breakfast and went to the shops, my mom called and reconfirmed my belief. and my knowledge that I keep forgetting, that everything is wriiten...
It was an absolutly beautiful day, sun was shining with a good wind, the church bells were chiming and everything started to feel right for once. Probably the first time it has felt this way since I have been back.

well, would love to write more but my brain and heart and soul have fallen asleep.
this week is going to take the strongest part me to cope with...
Good night sweet world
bless you all, especially the moms.

believe in your knowledge*
~star

~back in the atmosphere~

Dear mommy

My eighteen years of pure and full life has been marked upon my skin
the skin that is yours  and leaves marks of crocodiles on my hands...
All that I know, I know through your eyes
As my blue finds light in the green of yours.

All I feel, I feel through your heart
The one that has showed nothing but love
the heart so full of your daughters' tears, fears, joy, laughter and faces.

You have taught me to grow
I have grown in your path
as our similarities are far defined with the same way we eat our baguettes.

mommy it was you who showed me the 'way'
it was you who taught me who to be

and all I can hope for is to be
half the mother you were to me
To love like you have loved me
To inspire like you have inspired me
To believe like you believe in me

I thank you for being the one who's DNA is so entangled throughout my mind body and soul

where would I be if it werent for your encouraging warmth, hugs, kisses
and nest

I love you mommy

Love Aimee

I am one with the furniture...

DAY 22...




Wow, quite a terrible day...

I came back yesterday afternoon from my weekend at home. I honestly was dreading coming back to this place, although I’m supposed to be here to get n education, I cant help but to think of all the things I’m missing out on, especially just being with my family. I am an extremely individual person who seriously does not mind being alone, at times. But the one thing I do wish and do crave is being with my family. There is a sense of hope I find with them that I can not find anywhere else. That sense of hope that I know I need, I know is vital to my sense of being and my growth.
I get that whole thing that a person needs to be by themselves to allow space and maturity to exceed within, but seriously, I don’t know, I think a day on my own is far more than enough.
You know how people can confide in friends or partners or you know whoever, well I don’t have that, all I have is my family, all I have is my sister. I guess that is what Klaus and Fritz are for, but let’s be serious here, they speak Fish German! And don’t get me wrong, I have met some amazing people, but it’s not the same, in some weird way, I need my sister like others need sleep in order to survive. I need that freedom I can only find in my home.

This res way of life can seriously get to my head, and it is!
for instance, this evening Prof Baart is having a talk on galaxies, and guess who can not attend... exactly. And do you know why? Well Olive Schriener has decided to have a compulsory house meeting, and no I can not get out of it, because I have asked too late. This sort of thing makes me extremely angry. And I’m losing out here.

ahhhhh I wont speak too much about my res life as yet.

So today I got up early, as usual. Cleaned my room and headed out to town to deposit my money, hectic queue, like so long, so headed back, read my book, oh im reading Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned by Wells Tower, which is a collection of short stories. Anyway, so I read, then went to classics, enjoyed it, as we are learning about sculpture. Then went straight to art, which I dreaded! and for good reason, we were having our photography crit.
the crit took forever and I had to come back in the afternoon for mine. So I went back to res, and read...
then went back to the crit, Brent told me he liked it but I need to change a lot because hes seen it all before.
eish

anyway, then I went back to the bank, and to my surprize the queue was even longer, but I decided I'd wait in it... Then people started screaming at me and pushing me and it became too chaotic, I left. while walking back, i was harassed by a street kid, who thought that air kissing me was the way forward. He then called me a "slut" and swore under his breath...
In my state, i resorted to fudge and caramel icecream at Dulce's and it truely made all alright.
I got back in time for supper and was able to share a great laugh with the girls.

I am going out tonight.

Before I leave,
I am still upset that I couldnt go to that lecture
I dislike photography to the core
I have 8 days to get ready and finish stuff up for my art prac exam.
I have a month till my classics and art history exams.
I plan to go home during this massive time gap
I love marmite
I miss the one person that felt like home for me here.... he knows who he is.
Snowbelle is the most amazing cat
you better check out the new annoying orange episode (the wasaaabi one)
I have so much work and I feel that tomorrow all will be organised....


chat soonest

stay warm and stay good
star*

*distant dark places

Its all in the eyes

its haunting

the way we were so young,

standing on the edge of our beliefs,

feeling the soil beneath the hard concrete rooftop

the way you decorated your back

covered in stars

the way i stood

to lean down towards you

to hold your hands one last time

to look into your eyes that told me all I ever needed to know.

for eternity our words are written

for ever

we will be

the ones who just let go

the way the smoke filled up my lungs and you slowly walked away,

the way all the people below us, looked up

and we laughed until we

kissed

a kiss that will

forever

haunt me

and the stars that fill my name

and the way I needed to jump to the bottom,

just to fill up with the rest

but you held me higher

and promised the flight

 

Its beginning to get to me...

I want something

That's purer than the water

Like we were

It's not there now

Ineloquence and anger

Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings

An icy loop around me

Too hard to hold

Lash out first

At all the things we don't like

Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me

That I know more of the stars and sea

Than I do of what's in your head

Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning

to get get my point

That all this fighting with aching joints

It's doing nothing but tire us out

No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone

the lonely sound of your voice

Frozen in time

I only need

The compass that you gave me

to guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me

That I know more of the stars and sea

Than I do of what's in your head

Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point

That all this fighting with aching joints

It's doing nothing but tire us out

No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong

Don't have to prove that you are so strong

'Cause I can carry you on my back

After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left

But I was screaming under my breath

You are the only thing that makes sense

Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love

And not collapse under its weight

I'm gasping for the air to fill

My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love

And not collapse under its weight

I'm gasping for the air to fill

My lungs with everything I've lost-Snow Patrol

Its day 14...

And I’m still wondering when the easy part comes in. I keep saying that I’m not too far away from home, but the thing is, is I am away from home. I guess I can easily say that I do find comfort in the work I’m doing, the painting project I’ve just completed, the photography project that I am researching, my art history and visual culture lectures on museology and galleries, It all makes sense when I’m doing it, everything speaks to me and reminds me that this is right, my pathway is paved, knitted out...

So two weeks in to the 2nd term and well, I have been extremely busy. My mind has been extremely busy as well. It’s very cold now, as winter is starting to settle in. Um, I like the cold.
I have received marks back from my classics assignment my art test and my video project… I am extremely pleased, oh and I must say, the success of the video project bought us a good 70 percent! Yes, And again I apologize for the negativity I had towards it initially.
I completed my painting project, here are a couple of pictures of the work

Next is to do Photography. Uber stressed about that...

Anyway, what else hmmm, well I have not like "been out" since my return, many reasons why, and I will most probably get into all of that in my next post. As for now Id just like to fill in the basics...

So, I have done two protests, the one was to raise awareness for a greener university and local community. and the other was a silence protest 'sexual violence=silence'
Both have touched me in incredible ways.
(as I said, this is just a basic run-through) Um I got a bit of a job, well last night as  a waitress at a  wedding. A girl in the res, her mum has a catering business:) I had so much fun... theres something about weddings that cant stop but hit you with trillions of thoughts....
Ag sorry I need to make this quick, Im pretty dam exhausted... So hopefully this week goes relatively fast, Im going to go  home this weekend and thats a sure thing! I will try my best to balance everything out. I watched some 7de laan today. watched some movies.... Jerusalema was very good!!!!

Most  important thing before I go, I saw a shooting star. This was my first time I had ever seen one. This view and captured memory moment has added drastically to my knowledge of the vast universe and the hope I have within myself.... ~everything is so real

Tomorrow, Ill write again. wish me luck for this week
serious
Good night to all
never lose focus on what keeps you alive, filled with passion and letting the sparkle, the light and the realizaton shine

till soon soon
S.T.A.R